NATURAL CHILD BIRTH IS SCARY AS HELL!!

I had already made up my mind, that after seeing my twin daughters being born there is no possible reason in the world I would need to see child birth again. The first experience is emotional because of the happiness of seeing your first baby enter the world, after that the novelty has worn off and all you remember is a bunch of blood. So, this is why I was going to be perfectly fine with chillin by my wifes head an try to be as supportive as I could under the circumstances. I had no idea why she wanted to go natural, but I tried to let her do her thing. If she wanted to experience the worst pain imaginable to man then who am I to stop her. I tried to throw out hints like "I think thats stupid" or "I think thats REALLY stupid", but she did not pick up on my hints and decided to go natural anyway. All the videos and TV specials made it look like it was the most wonderful thing in the world, Hell, it made me wish I could have a baby just so I can have it naturally. So we finally go to the hospital, she is having contractions and we are excited because the baby is finally coming. After hours of waiting my lovely caring wife sends me home so that I can get some sleep with a promise to call me as soon as the contractions are closer together. I get home, fall asleep about 1 am waiting anxiously for the call. 2:30 AM, I here the phone ringing, I pick it up still feeling groggy... its her, she needs my help. I throw my clothes on and run out the door. On my way to the hospital she calls again asking how far I am, I think to my self "this must be serious", so I drive as fast as I can and I finally arrive. I thought I would be a hero, I thought that she would be happy to see me when I burst in the door. I thought there would be light shining from behind me and she would look up and say "thank God you are here". All these things probably would have happened if it would have been the Lisa I have known all these years in that hospital room... but it wasn't. I walked in and all I heard was this crazy, animal like grunt/scream. I have to admit, it scared the hell out of me. I looked at the nurse with a look of fear on my face and for some strange reason she seemed to have the same look which was no comfort at all to me. I went to her side and grabbed her hand as she let out another one of those monstrous grunt screams. The nurse said the doctor was on her way and told my wife not to push. If there is one thing I have learned in 10 years of marriage, Lisa will do exactly as she pleases and ain't no nurse gonna tell her any different. So Lisa pushed. I saw the water break, gotta admit...kinda nasty. The nurse tried to close Lisa's legs but Lisa pushed the nurse away. Then I heard a huge gasp coming from the nurse, I looked at her and she was looking down at my wife with a horrified look on her face. I look down... the baby's head was out... all that came to mind was oooohhhh $*@#. Another nurse burst in and my wife closed her legs on the baby's head. The nurse told me to grab the leg and I grabbed the leg and held it up. I can honestly say that my body was barely able to keep her legs up. This lady had become a crazy person. We needed to get the baby out because I could see the baby's face turning blue. I was scared and told Lisa PUSH!!! But I don't think she heard me. After a few minutes of struggling the older nurse managed to pull the baby out and finally it was over. Blood everywhere, nothing in that room was prepared for child birth, but in-spite of it all the baby was out. All I heard was the crying, it was loud, hearty, uncontrollable, but as the nurse looked at me I immediately stopped and thats when I heard the other crying. The most beautiful cry, the one that let me know my baby was alive. My Miracle baby. I looked at Lisa and she was shivering from the cold. I was so proud of her. She had our baby with no drugs at all, I have a whole new respect for her. As I looked at her, and she looked at me, I knew we were thinking the same thing... she should have gotten the epidural. Having a baby naturally is scary as hell, especially with no doctor, rookie nurses, and a crazy pregnant Puerto Rican. But we made it, and I can honestly say as much as I love this new baby with all my heart I hope that this is it...again.

I Love KFC!!

Over the years, KFC has gotten a bad rap. I know they torture chicken and I know that it is supposed to be a really inhumane process they go through in order to become the great tasting chicken that they are, but I think I prefer the fact that the chicken it tortured. Picture this: your a chicken, in a free range farm ,loving life, you are well fed and life is beautiful. You still live around your family and love them dearly. You celebrate chicken birthdays and chicken holidays and you future looks bright. All of the sudden BAM!! A farmer chops off your freaking head and your sold to eat as a healthy piece of free range chicken breast. I would say if anything, that is torture. I would prefer my chicken to be born into misery. So that everyday of his life he is looking forward to the day that he is finally put out of his misery. So that when the day comes that he is killed, the last few moments of the chickens life are those of excitement to leave this cruel world. We would actually be doing the chicken a favor. This is why I prefer some good ol tortured miserable chicken. In the end, we are both happier because of it.